Friday, March 26, 2010

You may not like me - but hey, I'm honest

This is supposed to be about writing, but here's the thing, I've gone through a year of major changes.

Yep, changes. As in major, change your life forever, changes.

That's not my car, which was replaced, or anything else that's material. This was bigger than that.

Last April 2nd I left my husband of three years. Where did I head - home. Mom and Dad, home is where the heart is, to those people who shake their head when you make a major mistake, home. Did I feel like $hit - yeah. But you know what, I'm lucky, my Mom and Dad are cool about things. They might sit there and give me hell every once in a while, but you know what, they love me.

They really love me.

There's a reason for this post...I swear...I promise.

It was a big thing for me to leave my ex. At that point in my life it was bigger than huge. It was my whole life, attached to a guy, who I promised all this stuff to then realized it wasn't going to work.

So, I moved back home. To Mom and Dad. To my comfort zone. You know what. I got it in a split second. I'm their kid. They weren't going to kick me in the teeth when I was already down.

What I didn't know was a sick truth. A secret my parents had kept from me. Probably the second worst secret they could keep from me. The first on my list was they were splitting up. The second was one of them had cancer.

It happened. My Mom, who I'd fought with for years about boys I liked and all this high school junk, had cancer. I was panic stricken and she was cool as ice cream. That's my mom. She was born with Neurofibromatosis. The woman who said, 'I'll never be pretty, but I'll fight to the death for you'. She had cancer. It was my eye opener. Suddenly, the only other girl in a household of nine boys including my dad, not including cats and dogs, was dying. At least that's how I looked at it.

You know, I kept thinking that, even after my brothers and Dad told me she'd be okay once she went through treatments. I couldn't think of anything else. It was like my little problems of job, soon-to-be ex and car ceased to exist. They were just stuff or people who I was getting rid of. This was my mom. The woman who would fight to the death for me.

I made a mistake today. My intentions were good, but my delivery was on another planet. My mom, who owns a publishing company, had a good friend resign from her position as an editor. She took it badly. I took it even worse. Something about seeing my mom, who'd not only kicked my a$$ into writing eight months ago was at a loss. For the first time since I was a really young kid, I watched my mom struggle to keep herself together. Cancer couldn't do it. Being as sick as she was for months on end didn't do it to her. It was something else I still don't understand.

Watching a woman you respect like that struggle with the throwing up and absolute pain of chemo and radiation, trying to beat cancer, finally lose her bearings about killed me. Then I listened to all these writers who didn't know half the story give this person sympathy on Facebook. Yeah, they were all sort of like - you were the best of my mom's publishing company.

That tilted me to the point of no return.

So, I did the worst thing I probably could. I spoke out.

Was I right - in my mind - yes.

Do I give a good God damn what people think of me - hell no.

You know what I learned today. My Mom will fight to the death for me. I needed to return the favor to the one person in the world who I've let down from time to time, but who has always give her all to me.

She's my biggest champion.

The truth is - you may not like me, but hey, I'm honest.

And in the end, that's all I've got to give.




  1. Rock on, girl. Stay true to yourself. That's all you can do. I respect your mom hugely, and I owe a lot to her. Never back down from what you believe.

  2. First of all there is nothing, I repeat nothing wrong with sticking up for your mom. I even told her so today. And also you are allowed to get mad! Be pissed scream shout, get it and Feel Better. Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter and I am a little scared, yes, but I am more excited to see how everything will fall!

    Talk to your mom ask her what I had to say and you'll see more of us agree with what you had to say!!

    Many hugs

  3. I don't have face book so I have no clue what you said. But seeing as it was in defense for your mom I say no harm done. Just ask those on my myspace page, if you tick me off or say anything remotely bad about my family all hell breaks loose. I will chew them up, spit them out, stomp on their nuts, and set their butts on fire...rule number two in my famliy, don't f@&k with our family...rule number one is family comes first, even if you don't like them. So kudos to you for speaking out for mom.

    *hugs* Things will get better. If not, we could always have Acerhon {my man slave} throw them into the Sparta hole. ;)

  4. I think it's always a great thing to stand up for one's flesh and blood. I'd do the same. I have immense respect for your mother, and will always feel that way. However, the other person in question also has challenges to face - she faced the same challenge your mom is facing now, and at a very young age. Her reasons, just like your mom's, are valid. And to top it all off, that person didn't go on the net vilifying your mother and posting mean comments that were based on the biggest untruth I've never heard....calling such author untalented when you know the kind of faith your mom had in her and her gift. I understand your anger, but in these things as in many others there are two sides to a coin. Please take a deep breath and take care of mom in the best way possible - by moving forward and get her through the negativity. Just some gentle advice - don't mean to be patronizing.

  5. Thanks for the support. Hey, I was out of line on some things I said, but not all.

  6. Bella,

    Yes, you were out of line on some things you said. On the other hand, it's understandable when you find your world crashing down to react unsuitably. I've done it in my past and probably will again. I love both your mom and the other person.

    I do not wish to take sides in something I clearly didn't know all the details. I do want to be fair and understand all sides.

    Hugs and love to everyone involved.